Ready for break anyone?

It is so funny to me how ready I am to go home again. I mean there are people I know that haven't been home since fall break, and people who haven't been home since school has started. I went home two weeks ago for a wedding, and yet I am ready to go. I don't know what it is. I think I am just burnt out and ready for some alone time. I guess you can say that even when you have a do nothing weekend, you still end up doing a lot whether its homework or doing something random with your hallmates/friends or whoever. Not that it isn't fun, minus the hw part, I think it comes down to getting to go home to your OWN room and be by yourself in peace for a few min. That is something that I have learned, at college it is kind of hard to find alone/down time. I come to find so overjoyed when I walk into my empty dorm room on mondays to crash on the couch and have some time alone because everyone is still in class or working.

I really want to be rejuvenated over break. Come back finish finals, sadly say good-byes to people, it will be weird without those people for a month, and then go home and come start my second semester of college. How weird is that?

Today was pretty good. I had my evaluation at work today. It went really well. I am still in love with my job. I have grown and learned so much from it and the people that I am working with. :) However, that history test I took, not such a big fan of at the moment. Once i give my final speech tomorrow in my Com 203 class, I will be home-free! :D Grandma's mashed potatoes with my dad's turkey and ham and Taylor's chocolate chess pie, HERE I COME! hahah.

peace!

What's the Point?

So I was thinking today while I was getting ready after I hit the Cage. What is the point of this life Im living. I am well aware that I am a sinner, and the reality of my imperfections keep settling into my mind and heart. Sometimes I feel so bad because of the way I feel like I might hurt people, whether that means I hurt them or just annoy them.

But as I was thinking, I made this conclusion. What is the point of living when knowing that you can do anything right? No matter what it is you do, in it SOMEWHERE is selfish desire and motive, or its something that is not apart of the law. And that is why we have Jesus. So we dont have to live by that law anymore. But still, I kept thinking, if I know that I cant do anything right, even though I know I am saved by the unfailing grace of the one most high, why should I even try at all to live a life after Christ if I know that I cant do anything right, or worthy for Him. When I am constantly failing and letting Him down, again even having that unfailing grace.

The answer then came to me. This life we have one purpose. One Goal, one prize. And guess what? We don't own this life much less live it. Our job is to let Christ live through us. We are all stinky and full of muck. We cant do it. And yet the point is Jesus chooses to use us through our crap to glorify and bring more and more into His Kingdom. I still don't feel like I quite understand it 100%. And I dont think anyone ever will until that day when we are sitting with him in Heaven. But thats the point. To allow the Trinity to do the work. Cause think about it....... We sure as Heck cant.

Hate this feeling

So there are just those days that I hate. Nothing bad has happened, nothing great. Its not like I had a bad day or anything. I didn't. In fact, it was a pretty decent day. I just feel like Blah. Like I cant figure out how I feel. And I know that we all have those days. Yes I am aware. But I just want to like go run, scream, do something to shake this feeling of being down for no reason. Its been pretty consistent for the past couple of days. I had a a wonderful weekend and it was a breath of fresh air to see people I had not seen in a while. And yesterday was a great chill day, and so was today. I got an excellent grade on my psych test, and I worked out yesterday, and am building up my strength. Things are going well, I just feel blah and I cant figure out why. And that is one thing that I do HATE. When i cant pin point what I am feeling. I guess because it puts me in a state of thinking too much, and I don't enjoy what is right in front of me.

Maybe that is Satan's way of distracting me. Having me in a state of thinking because that is when I start to break and stray away from the light of Christ. It annoys me because there is NOTHING bothering me in particular. And this feeling seeping into my heart, I dont want it, and it drives me up the wall. With time I will be fine and it will go away. But at the moment Im just in a Blah mood. Tomorrow is a new day.

"Therefore do nto worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matt 6:34

Hold my Heart

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

Wow, too much time

So I realize that I have not written in this blog since I was sitting in Irena's flatt in the Czech Republic. Soooooo much has happened in my life and changed since then. Coming home, seeing good friends again, adjusting back to home, and then going to college, where things are continually changing. That actually is the theme of my life at the moment. Constant change. And the funny thing is, I am not such a huge fan of change. To be honest, I kind of hate it, but I realize I have the ability to easily adapt, but you know.

So in Czech I learned a TON about independence, and my spiritual life. I was there for a reason this summer, and I carried all of those lessons from this summer into my now being lived out college life. Spending 2 months away from home, in a Country where I hardly know the language, was really hard. But because of it, I am who I am today.

I could certainly go on and on about the lessons I learned in Czech this summer, but I really want to focus on college at the moment. If you do want to know more about Czech def let me know and I will be more than happy to sit down and talk with you about it! :)

So college. No one could have ever prepared me for it. Its something you cant really be prepared for until you experience it. Its awesome for sure. It is the place where I have met so many new faces, and so many people all at once, you would never think that there could be any time to find alone time. I just remember all through orientation, which was our first few days at school, I just longed for school to start, so I could get into a schedule and get a routine so that I was comfortable and would be able to function without a huge fear of the unknown that was ahead.

Classes have been in full swing for about 3 months now, and I love the fact that I am finally getting plugged into different places on campus. My favorite place by far is my job. :) I work with an organization called BOLD. I love it there. It is a challenge course on campus. Many different groups of people from all different walks of life come in and use the course. I think my favorite part about it, is the people that I get to work with. They have become my family, and we are continue to get to know each other and grow with one another. The other really awesome part of my job is the people that come in to use the challenge course. Right now I am in the process of observing what happens at BOLD, and how we work with those people that come in, and it is pretty awesome. I def can see that being apart of this program is one of the reasons that God brought me to Berry. My life has been really blessed because of it.

The hardest part about college for me so far is my walk with God. I think I have had such a hard time is because of all the change that has been occurring. Trying to get plugged in somewhere I can grow, and somewhere I feel like I am at a home away from home, has certainly been the most difficult, but I think I have found a place, and several groups that I enjoy. There is Campus Outreach, my small group through CO, a bible study that has been started up through the lovely laddies at BOLD, and then Calvary Baptist Church. So, I am certainly being taken care of on the fact of finding places. Now its the inner part of me that I need to work on. Due to recent events in my life I am relearning something I have actually known my entire life. I depend on people way too much for my spiritual satisfaction. And so at this point in time, as I am meeting incredible people at school, who I hope to continue to grow with and come to know more, I need to learn to solely rely on God. Something I was reading in 1 john earlier said it pretty well I thought. " As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him." So the part that is talking about that no one else needs to teach me, He has already taught me, is what stand out.

Well this is a lot to read I suppose. Yes I did go into a lot of details, hahah that is jut who I am. I like to explain things. :) And there I go again. But this is where I am at, and so if I keep my blogging up, then maybe I would leave a novel for people to read. Anyway.......

Peace