Cant be the player and scorekeeper

Ok. So there is something that I just had to write about. An idea that I had. Something that God has been trying to communicate to me for weeks. Well probably for a while, but more prominent these past few weeks.

In this Bible study I am doing, there is a chapter that talks about "death to self." And in a sense it means to finally say "Ok. I am not in control of my life. I am not in charge." For me to say that means to say to God, "I know that I have no idea what is best for my life. You do. So take it. Here you go." And it hit me. How in the world could I know what is best for my life if I didn't create me. I didn't design my body, or my personality, or anything. So that means that my creator, the one that did do all of what I did not do, knows what is best for me. Interesting huh?

Oh ok. So the title. Well Im the kind of person who likes to have an example, something simple that represents a bigger picture. So this is what I came up with.

I still want to fight God for control. Funny how I know that I cant, and dont want it. I still fight for it. So how do i get myself to understand that its not good for me? Well.........

You are playing a basketball game. Sweat dripping down your face, the defender is playing tight d on you, jump stop, shake him and you are about to pull up hit that sweet three-pointer. But wait! As you check the scoreboard, you think wait a second there should be more time. No way that there is only 30 seconds left. But you have no control over it. So why not just go and run the scoreboard yourself. Then for sure nothing could be wrong! It would be perfect. Hahah. You are playing in the game though. There is no way that you could be running to scoreboard too. You are the player, not the scorekeeper. To me it makes sense. Not sure if it does to anyone else. But whatever. :D

18 more days until I can walk. I think a broken ankle was the only way to get my attention. The only way to slow me down. To learn how to observe, and to understand more. Not everything of course. Just more about who I am. I am not in control or in charge. I am simply the player and not the scorekeeper. The creation, not the creator.

22 Days

So it is Spring break. It has been really nice to be home. The only part that stinks is the stairs in my house. Since they are carpeted it has been a tad bit more difficult. But thats not a big deal really. I sometimes camp out in the study where there is a ballin flat screen. :D haha.

Im trying to find the balance of out and aboutness, and having down time. Being at Berry, I am on the go regardless if I am on crutches. Sure I have slowed down a lot, but I am going as much as I can on my crutches. Now at home I don't have to make the walk from Kranernt to Evans and back again. :) Its nice.

I have 22 days until my Dr. appt, and hopefully I will be walking again. I can do it. All I have to do is push through. This time has been difficult. And I have been struggling, but constantly being reminded to look to my King above. That probably has been the most difficult for me. To keep my eyes fixed on Him. On Jesus. Im so tired down to the world and the things of it sometimes, its hard for me to look above. That is what I want to work on. In these next 22 days, and beyond that, my focus should be above. And thats where I desire to go from here. Learning how to and striving to look above.

What do I need?

So here I am. In a place that I despise. A place where I am exhausted and weary, selfish and depressed. At the moment I am a bit more chilled out, laying on my couch watching Ghost Whisperer, and a few other friday night favorites. While talking about what was going on in my head today I was asked, " What is it that you need?" I don't know. I have no idea. What do I need? Well walking anytime soon cant be the answer. This is my reality, and it is not changing. So in this reality, what do I need? I have friends bending over backwards for me. I am so grateful. The bitterness that I am feeling is not directed towards anyone outside of me. Its inside and directed to me. Why am I mad at me? I don't know. There are a lot of emotions that I am dealing with. I dont think that this blog makes much sense, its probably all over the place.

Roller Coaster

So about two weeks ago my life was going at full speed. Classes, work, friends, Life. It was crazy and I was learning how to balance all the crazyness. I was really beginning to get use to it, and enjoy having something to do at pretty much all hours of the day. I did start having trouble sleeping, but towards the middle of that week I began to sleep. Then the snow came, and ankle was broken. I have never been so frustrated in my life. I lot of stuff I cant do on my own. I say that all the time. My attitude right now pretty much sucks. A lot of the plans I had, I am not able to do now because of the surgery I just had, which has brought more pain and confined me to my bed for the week, missing a full week of classes. I hate my attitude so much, I have no desire to be positive. I dont even really want to try, and that to me is such a sad thing. I know that things could be so much worse than they are, but where I am with what I am dealing with, I just want to be bitter. That is not a good spot to be in. But that is where I am I guess on this roller coaster/curve ball that I have been thrown. I guess the only thing I can do is accept how I feel.

The question is now, what is going to get me through these next few months? I have wonderful friends that have been willing to help me at the drop of a dime. And I am so grateful. I cant even begin to say. There is only so much that they can do though. I need to find something to cling to, something that can take me to my happy place and relieve me of stress. Before all of this, working out was my way of going into a happy place. I didn't have to think, and I love that feeling of working hard and sweating because of it. Now what can that be? Something tangible, something that will fill that? I dont know.

I do know that I need to find God in this. At the moment, I havent been searching for him. That sucks, but its honest.

Im kinda behind in classes, but not too terribly bad. I have 17 hours, but they are gen ed classes. Im most concerned about Stat, because that is the class when I learn best with hearing the teacher. Contemporary Issues Im not too worried about because I just have to read the articles with the study guide. English I have my paper written, and I think I might have gotten an extension on it, and Spanish I have the most understanding teacher ever, so at my own pace I have been able to do work, which I will be caught up on monday. Sociology Im not missing much, I just need to do the study guides for the tests, and Self defense I just need to keep talking to my class mates.

I guess if I am going to be positive here, I am leaning about how observant I am. So sharpening those observations skills I will. So there are my ramblings.

Where I'm at

Well. I am at a very interesting sport right now. I just have to write. I have to get what is out of my head onto paper, or in this sense out on my blog I guess. So yes, I broke my ankle on Friday playing in the snow. Yes, it hurts, but Im making it. I have been surrounded by so many wonderful people, I could not ask for more. I have never broken a bone in my body before, and so there are many new challenges ahead. I took my first shower today and it was WONDERFUL. :) The cage shower is my new best friend. The handicap shower has a seat and everything I need. Its perfect. I also went to the dr. today. The orthopedic dr that is. And I found out that I have to have surgery. Its a pretty common procedure. Im not too worried about it, but I have mixed emotions at the moment. Im trying to see what God is doing. Im trying to not think what I could be doing, but think of ok so how can I work around this. I cant go upstairs easily, fine, lets make a game out of it. Picking stuff up off the floor and getting it into a bag has become a brain teaser where I have to think how I am going to execute my next move. I will fall a bit behind in my classes, but I need to take my mind think just one day at a time. I can do it. Professors, friends, and JESUS are on my side. It will be ok, and I WILL BE FINE. There are moments of frustration. I just have to learn how to work around those moments. Im happy but searching for joy still. I need Jesus to fill my mind and my heart. And just because of my broken, that hasn't changed any since last week. I just have to get over my silliness and realize how yes this is an inconvenience to my life, but in the big picture, its so tiny. There is always glory to be found in all situations. You just have to find it. Im in that process now. Pray for healing, and for joy finding. :) Im finding it, and in the search of it. God is good, in ALL situations. And there is where I'm at.

Loco!

So I have just come to realize just exactly how busy I have become. Almost everyday I am going, starting at 8:10 every morning and finishing up at 12ish or so every night. Classes, work, basketball games, Bible Studies, Campus Outreach, Homework, and being social all fill my week. And I love it. I feel very accomplished and when I do have down time, it feels so weird. Like I need to do something and siting here just being able to chill is weird. But I too somehow manage to get some good down time. No idea how I am doing it all, but I think I have learned and am still learning the art of balancing life.

Some new opportunities have come my way as well. When I say that I mean some possibilities to study abroad. There is a really cool program called Summit Adventure. It would be a semester of being in California and in Ecuador. Doing ministry, learning skills in the outdoors, building leadership skills, and even having the opportunity to use my spanish. Not 100% sure if that is what I will do, but I am certainly interested. And then since that will not count for my spanish major, I still want to go to Spain. So 2 semesters abroad! That would be fantastic. Its sooooo possible for it to work out, and I sat down with my advisor to talk about it. So its cool to once again be pro-active about going abroad somewhere. The one thing I want to be sure of is that I am going along according to God's will. I have all these plans, but I want it to be apart of what my purpose is. Not just something I want to go off and do because I just want to do it. Ya know?

Can I please say how very much I am falling in love with spanish? Everyday I walk into class, I am becoming more and more confident with it. Man it sure has taken time to learn how to not translate in my head every 5 seconds. And I am STILL learning how to not do that. But I sure have grown. Im excited to see what will happen in the future. I think I have decided that for sure want to travel and translate. Where? No idea still. :)

So life is good. Its just really busy. I still am learning about how vital my quite time with God is. Of course we are ALL learning that. I went to a retreat with Campus outreach this past weekend. It was really good. It certainly got me thinking and thinking about the world, and how much is in it, and how I cannot just sit here. I cant sit knowing that there are so many needs across the world. I feel my calling to go. Where, I dont know. I can honestly say that I thought it was the Czech republic. I think God is not done with me yet there, but I dont know where I will be heading. Maybe its not a certain country, maybe its just a calling to go.

Anyway, this is where I am. As I said last time, I want to fall in love with my creator and His beautiful creation.

The end

I am and Everything Glorious

This week has just been one of those weeks. It started off awesome. BOLD staff retreat. I learned a lot, and spent some good time with people that I love. And got to bond. So it was a good retreat. Hopefully Ill be CPR Pro. Certified. We will see. The learning process was a bit stressful, but it all worked out. hahah last night I had a dream that I was in a situation that I needed to use my skills. Someone had passed out and I knew exactly what to do. It was quite interesting. :)

Classes started on Tuesday. It is going to take some time to adjust to my new schedule. I am going to be quite busy. 4 classes MWF and on WF I am working in the afternoons, so I'll be going from 9-5 pretty much. And on Tuesdays and Thursdays I only have 2 classes, but am working from 9-11:30 and then working out after my class in the Cage. So I'll be going from about 9-4. So like I said, it is just going to take some time getting use to. Im pumped to see what is going to happen.

This week however has been kinda tough. I think its because I am just starting over, and getting into a routine. I am been tired, and have let little things get to me. Im beginning to let myself think too much, and not allow myself to chill out. I tend to let myself stress out and freak out when there is no reason for it.

Yesterday after classes I got to rent a hammock and I went hammocking for about an hour or so. It was so peaceful. I need to do that more often. Im trying to figure out the way that I connect with God. For each person its unique. And Im trying to find my way. I just get so frustrated that I cant shut my thoughts/mind off and try to listen to God. I did however come to several realizations though.

1. My dependence on people is not good. We need people and fellowship. But that cant take the place of God. And I think that is what I have been doing.

2. Have you ever thought about how vast the sky is? As I was laying in the hammock, all you could see was my feet by the way, so if you walked by Im sure it was quite the sight. :) But I was looking up at the sky. Its vastness is sooooooooo incredible, we cant understand it. I mean sure, we can ponder it, but of course we will never be able to comprehend it.

3. A few songs that I ended up listening to was "I Am" by Mark Shultz, "Find your Wings" Mark Harris, "Everything Glorious" David Crowder. Each song hit my heart in a different way. In summary "I am" declared that God is so grand, so great, and makes "Everything Glorious." And I want to love people like Mark Harris sings in "Find your wings."

So it accounted for an interesting afternoon. My desire for this semester to be a different one, is so apparent to me. I want to change and grow. I want to fall in love with my creator and his creation. And one of my favorite things to say. " The future ahead is bright and big and Everything has been made Glorious."